.

my big brother.


shut up. shut up. do not look at me. why must you look at me?
through the glass of that caged room... why must i be so
young? you are in high school. you have "gone nuts." that is
what he says. that is what she says. they are old, they are big.
they make jokes. they cant take it. they did not come. you
have "lost it." i dont know what that means. i am too young,
so i am the one who goes. shut up. shut up! i hear you, in a
room with no light but the bare bulb, which hangs in your
face. in a white washed room we wait to talk to you. my mom
cries. but she holds her hands in front of her face as if i will
not see. but i see. i see him. he is in a room with black bars in
criss crossed lines over the one square hole cut in the door.

he is not in his own clothes. the walls are a pale off white shade.
and this makes him more scared. they lift me up to say hi to
him. he screams, "shut up. shut up!" to my mom. she asks
him why did you throw her clothes in the lake? why must you
go? why did they take you? what did you do? i keep on.

i am nine years old. shut up dad, shut up mom. just shut up man in
the long white coat, dont write down on your sheet that he is
nuts. he is NOT nuts. he is smart. is so smart. why did you put
him in here? why are you here? shut up, SHUT UP. why
must you cry? why do we all need to yell? will you get my
mom? she and i, we are the ones who came. will you get my
dad? oh wait, he did not come. why wont he come to see his
son? wait, who are you? quit it! dont pound on the glass.

dont pound on the walls. why did you hit her? why did she
break you in two? why did she do this? what did you do? will
you shut up?! SHUT UP! shut up SHUT UP shut up. in the
back with hands on my ears. i am nine. she takes me out to the
street. in the sun it is too bright. i squint my eyes shut tight and
with my hands on my ears i sing LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA
LA. you cant get me in here. you cant take me like you took
him. when we leave there are stains on her cheeks. for the first

time i am no more a child than she is a mom. we will be this
way from now on. roles flipped. i am the one who came with
her that day. i was nine. he was (not) sane. not now. not in this
long line of NOT SANE. oh just shut up and take it.