.

a big mess.


sometimes i want to crack open my mind
just take a big chisel and spill whats inside
and then while the bone is quietly breaking
maybe you'll hear what ive really been thinking.

because you never see the truth from my eyes
and my nose has become quite a clever disguise
everyone knows my mouth tells all the best lies
while my ears tend to knot the simplest ties.


and


sometimes i want to rip out my heart
grab the ventricles quickly and tear them apart
and then while it thumps and beats out its last
maybe youll see that it happened too fast.

because my ribs were supposed to block all the pain
and my stomache knew it had nothing to gain
my hair twisted up into curls so vain
while i was left here looking perfectly insane.



i just hope
that when mind and heart are put on display
that i will have won,
youll have nothing to say.

.

a.m.


the streetlights went out
as i drove underneath them
just pop pop pop
the glass bulbs shattered and fell
like icicles onto my windshield.

i called to tell you
but you just assumed i was lying like always
but always doesnt exist anymore
and sometimes
i wish
i didnt
either.

.

advanced creative writing.

"i read your poem and it sucks."

"at least i can spell!"
i yelled back.

"i tried reading your poem
but every other word was blotted out by tears.
try not crying every time youre writing."

"at least im not confusing your and youre.
at least i know the difference between their there and theyre.
at least im trying when im crying."
i sobbed in response.

"i read your poem but
im still not impressed.
your tits are too small
to fill out that dress."

"well every time you cum
it would be better as a comma."
i whispered under my breath.

but the last thing i remember you saying is

"alison,
why dont you put down that pen
and stick to picking up the bottle again?"

.

when i speak i cross my fingers

dont try
to get me to start telling all my secrets.
its not like
you wanna hear the truth anyway.
and youre not gonna be there
when im crying,
hugging my ribs,
waiting for the ache
in my gut
to
just
go
away.

.

loose strings untie quickly

when i was a baby
my soul was stolen
so i have never lived a day of my life
free of the fear
it still haunted me as i got older
as i realized what was what
and that no one would talk
no one would explain
no one would listen
and no one would take the blame.

when i was a girl
my heart was broken
by a boy id loved since i chased him at recess
and even though i said no
and even though i bit down
and even though we were in the back stairwell
by the sophomore lockers and the guidance offices
i was forced to chew and swallow
that bloody fleshy pumping thing
knowing then that my sweet tasting heart would only know pain.

when i was a woman
my body was opened
the pain was unbearable as i ripped in two
and that constant ache in my tummy
even after all the tests the doctors have run
not the surgeries or the six pills a day
can make it go away
and i feel always that i will never be the same.

so you know what?

we werent soulmates
because i dont have a soul.

my heart didnt belong to you
because i digested it long ago.

and you never, ever touched me
because there is nothing tangible or whole.

im just a lot of thin air
and hopefully soon ill finally just vanish
alone.

.

pan's shadow

i saw ghosts everywhere on the drive home tonight.
in fact there was one in my back seat.
i wanted to talk to him but
as we passed under a flashing yellow
i looked in the rear view mirror and saw him scribbling notes in a pad on his lap.

when i creeped in the door, holding my keys tightly
i saw anothers face outlined by the shadow
from the tiny light spilling out of the kitchen.
his height alone should have tipped me off,
should have known he'd be gone when i flicked on the hall switch.

and as i glance over my shoulder
feeling his gaze on my back while i write this
i get that heat rising up my neck and
the goosebumps appear quickly on my bare legs
not quite knowing whether or not to be afraid of what he'll have to say.

i saw ghosts everywhere on the drive home tonight.
there were two walking past me
so i waited patiently for them to cross
remembering the night i made him turn around
and take me home and tuck me in while i shivered and shook and wept for hours.

i saw ghosts everywhere on the drive home tonight
and
i waited patiently for one of them to say something.
i thought i would be scared
but
ive never been more fearless.

.

the shots arent working


sometimes i feel like my mind is numb to the pain of anything
other than him yelling at me that its time to fucking change.

and

sometimes when the tears fall wet and hot down my cheeks
im surprised that theyre there, that i still have the capacity to weep.

and

sometimes my head aches in the morning as soon as i open my eyes
so i throw the covers back over my head and try unsuccessfully to hide.

and

sometimes i dont want to explain myself anymore
i just want to be left alone shivering on the cold tile floor.

because

sometimes my love is so gut wrenching and sick
that i lie there throbbing till nothings left but the prick.

and then i think to myself
how perfect and sweet and incredibly
un flawed
that he can mutter under his breath
while leaving me
thank god.

.

hidden in a place where i dont remember your face


sometimes i wonder when ill get to forget.
when ill get to go down to that whole in the ground
and kick rocks and throw dirt and then i wont have to hurt.

im so sick of you hanging up
and your hangs up
its always a click click click and too many long pauses of you saying nothing
but
"i dont know".

and you, you never respond.
and the response is the key to the messages i send saying please please please
tell me its okay
and
i dont have to be scared anymore
especially of you.

and life is a mess and im the dirtiest mud puddle and youre all splashing about
and causing that ripple effect and ill take the blame for the rain as it comes from my mouth.

but
i dont know why
i was born on that day
or why i sat on that swing just waiting waiting waiting
or why the sun hits the rocks in just the right places
to crack my knees when i fell in those spaces.

and ive been falling for the longest time
and i never hit the bottom but the bruises are still there
and theyre always there and theyre always fresh and new
and im old news.

so
when i cry
its not even real
its not even tears
its babies breath falling out from my lids
and
its you and its him and its him and its him and its him and its him
and its always gonna be him
and now there is no more room for you or for me
because
he exists only in her head and he hates her only in her head and he rapes her but only in her head.


when i say i need tomorrow
i mean i need it like i need to find a space
where i dont remember your face.