.

hidden in a place where i dont remember your face


sometimes i wonder when ill get to forget.
when ill get to go down to that whole in the ground
and kick rocks and throw dirt and then i wont have to hurt.

im so sick of you hanging up
and your hangs up
its always a click click click and too many long pauses of you saying nothing
but
"i dont know".

and you, you never respond.
and the response is the key to the messages i send saying please please please
tell me its okay
and
i dont have to be scared anymore
especially of you.

and life is a mess and im the dirtiest mud puddle and youre all splashing about
and causing that ripple effect and ill take the blame for the rain as it comes from my mouth.

but
i dont know why
i was born on that day
or why i sat on that swing just waiting waiting waiting
or why the sun hits the rocks in just the right places
to crack my knees when i fell in those spaces.

and ive been falling for the longest time
and i never hit the bottom but the bruises are still there
and theyre always there and theyre always fresh and new
and im old news.

so
when i cry
its not even real
its not even tears
its babies breath falling out from my lids
and
its you and its him and its him and its him and its him and its him
and its always gonna be him
and now there is no more room for you or for me
because
he exists only in her head and he hates her only in her head and he rapes her but only in her head.


when i say i need tomorrow
i mean i need it like i need to find a space
where i dont remember your face.